Grateful and Guilty | Stephanie's November 2020




...and we are already done with November, that is crazy to say the least. A year ago today, I was preparing to return to the US, and shortly after, covid hit. It appals me that we are almost at a year in which covid was convened.


And because of all that has happened this year, what could’ve happened (the good, and the bad), I have a very thankful month to reflect on because of all the good that happened and all the bad that didn’t.


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Lifestyle: Always Different

I feel like every week this month was a new lifestyle! (literally).

The first week of November I was actually entering my 2nd round interview for a company and … I got the role two days after! What a journey this was, Jin knows how unexpected and how much the role title I actually applied for changed into the current one I have now lol. I feel so extremely fortunate to have a role at a place that gives me purpose. (My experience in the team and first week will be a story I’ll save for a later reflection) However on an overarching thought, I feel so lucky to be starting my career in a field I’ve been eyeing at for a while, and sharing the value I see to the world, in the initiatives my team is working on.


Alright so I had almost 2 weeks of free time before I started my role! (I say almost bc I kid you not my manager last minute told me I’d be starting a few days earlier lol we love surprises).

In those almost 2 weeks, life seemed to go by just as fast as when I was job hunting? Time just won’t stop. I really enjoyed waking up without having a set schedule and priorities to job search to be honest! I was able to take up time to try intricate cooking recipes, go on long walks and play more tennis, clean the house, and binge watch a ton of things. I love free time without feeling guilty that I have other priorities.


And on the 3rd week of November and last week, I entered my new role! Because of thanksgiving break, it is two weeks time but technically I’ve only worked for a week. (Though it feels like I’ve been here for quite a while already. A strange feeling of feeling new yet not quite anymore? Maybe it’s all the zooms…)

I want to share my work reflection in the later future so for now all I can say is that it has been both a thrill and challenge! A challenge I feel extremely fortunate to take on.


The good and bad I did:


Good:


  • Continue the career search and *landed* a role!

  • Take on new cooking recipes

  • Had a pretty consistent exercise schedule (before I started my new role)

  • Got to know my sister better-ish

  • Watch a lot of stuff LOL (youtube, inu yasha, start-up)

  • Launched so many new features to Knowledge Post College! Consistently too.

Bad (needs room for improvement next month):

  • Had some lazy days once I was off the career role search (what is with our society always feeling the need to be productive though?)

  • Could have been a better texter

  • Drifted from my sister after starting my new role.. ):

  • Exercise is less consistently

  • Still eats and sleeps late lol

  • I still pray daily, but the time I spend to do it has been shorter ever since work

  • Lowkey became a complainer but now adopting the mindset of: “If you can’t avoid, then accept”(more to explain later on this post)

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Lows: Unexpectedly Ironic


I am lucky that I don’t have too many lows to share about most of this month! I would say the two low’s I do have hit me quite hard though. And as fortunate and very thankful I am to have landed a role in an ideal field, things turned out in the least way expected and I found myself doubting myself.


“I’m neither a kid nor an adult” -- Start-Up

I was going through a tough new start and was watching start-up at the same time, when I heard Ji-Pyeong shout this, I felt it so hard. I think it was around after 5th grade, I felt like I was always treated over my age by my parents. While it’s an honor that people put their faith in me, it gives me a lot of pressure and worry that I may disappoint someone by underperforming.


This still holds true today. I don’t know how, I really don’t. Even though I wanted to land a FTE, I decided to take it a step back and apply to be an intern because I assumed I’d be a more experienced candidate giving me the upperhand. Somehow, that led to me interviewing for a role where I got a JD that wanted 3+ years of experience, and then the next round interview was for a role that required 5 years. I didn’t think I’d get the role at that point but then somehow by surprise, I did. I feel extremely fortunate to have landed something but as I actually started, I felt so overwhelmed. The manager shared she’d adjust the role level to more junior, but often times I feel like I’m being compared to or comparing myself with the person in this role previously who was many years older than I. I know I only started my role but everyday I feel overwhelmed with new tasks that even though I’m always happy to help, I honestly am just not at that level of knowing everything. I feel like an imposter because everyone keeps saying I’ll be taking over the girl who left (and I know we aren’t at the same level, I’m not belittle myself but I’m just being realistic given the years of experience). I am happy to finally land a role, but I keep feeling like I’m not being treated my age and I try my best to keep up but it’s hard. I’ve been thinking lately, how I’d be open to a paycut and I just want to be treated like a regular 22 year old.


My dream came true, but in the form of a nightmare.


I forgot where I got this entire quote from, I think it’s from a mix of things that I saw. I feel like I could relate to this where my goals of landing a role came true, but as I started (while still very thankful), it turned out to make me feel more low than high. Which is not usually something you’d expect as you think accomplish your goals would leave you happier than making you feel low. I don’t really have anything to add to this, but life is unexpected and you never know how things will turn out? Even things you think would make you happy can make you sad? I’m not saying it’s okay but I’m saying that’s just life.


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Lessons: Change yourself, not people


1) If you can’t avoid, then accept.

  • As I mentioned how I was feeling a bit upset this month because my dream came true, but not in the way I expected. My dad told me that it’s okay to be upset, but also know that whatever happened, already happened, and that i shouldn’t keep dwelling on how I hoped things to be and instead just accept the situation as is and move on. I used to see this as “settling” but i learned that accepting a situation is doing yourself a favor and freeing your mind from being hung up on changing the past that cannot be undone.


2) You can’t change other people. You can only change yourself, so if you’re unhappy about someone then the solution isn’t to change people but to remove yourself.

  • I always heard this quote growing up but it becomes more and more true and I see it playing into action as I grew older. I feel like most of the times, I’m upset at things people do/how they treat me. And something i learned is that it is very difficult to change someone’s behavior (if even at all). People have grown into their ways and its not like they will suddenly change to your liking. I think something else I learned that helped me get through difficult times is that, if you’re upset at someone’s behavior, don’t try to change them but change yourself and sometimes that means removing yourself or taking them out of your life.

3) Turning a misunderstanding into reality. Don’t let someone else’s opinion become your reality.

  • I got both of these quotes from start-up kdrama hehe. I think both of these are actually from Do-san or him and his friends. Anyway, I really loved hearing this quote. I feel like 1) oftentimes I feel misunderstood and I hate that feeling. It gives me a feeling of imposter syndrome/fraud. I try to see it as a strength now. Me recognizing misunderstandings/imposter syndrome keeps me in check and pushes me to work hard to minimize gaps to become the reality I want people to see me as. 2) Not letting someone else’s opinion become your reality. I think this is more on the negative side of when people say or do something that makes me feel disrespected. It’s hard to not let things get to you, especially if that person is older and is in authority. However, it’s important to know that life isn’t always like math where there’s one correct answer. What gives someone the right or accuracy to tell you what you can or can’t accomplish?

4) You can feel thankful, but still upset

  • I have SO much to be thankful for! However there was like one main thing that kept upsetting me this month and I felt so guilty for being upset because I have been blessed with a lot of things in life: healthy body and family, a paying job, food and shelter, supportive friends, and so on. I felt so guilty for being upset about something and that I shouldn’t be feeling this way. That made me beat myself up and feel anxious and overwhelmed and I have come to the conclusion that it’s okay to be upset even when you feel like you have it all. You and I are human after all.

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Picture of the month





I had to make use of this picture that is only applicable to this month! Yes, I turned 22 this month. It was my first wholesome and simple birthday in years, though to be honest it didn’t feel bad at all and actually felt quite in place. Things were typical with family and some digital communication with friends, and I didn’t mind it. I remember as a kid I used to want to do all sorts of things on my birthday, though this year I just ate with family, went out to brunch with Ashley, and ended my day early. And it felt right.


I don’t feel a year older to be honest! But I feel very thankful to have another year in this journey called life. My dad picked up this cake thinking it was green tea, though I’m pretty sure the exact title of this cake is called swedish princess. I have no idea what it’s made of though lol but it’s surprisingly a thing here in this neighborhood bakery.


I have so much to be thankful for, and because of that, I can’t quit and I don’t want to let others down. This made me come to the conclusion that since I don’t have the bravery to quit, then I’ll give it my very all and have the courage to accept being let go if my best still isn’t enough. We’ll see how the next months go, it will definitely be a journey!

Looking forward to updating you how next month goes. Can’t believe we’re at the end of 2020!


Cheers (-inserts my imaginary new bday keurig k-cup here-) until next time,

--Stephanie

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Songs I've been listening to this month:


  • Better Today Than Yesterday -- Jennifer Chung (Thanks to thematic and me looking for non-copyrighted music on youtube, I found this gem)

  • Twist my Fingaz, Who do you love, Don’t Tell ‘Em -- YG (was reminiscing on my freshman year of college and ended up binging his music lately!)

  • Crew -- GoldLink

  • A mix to dance to by yourself: https://soundcloud.com/coldgabz/a-mix-to-dance-by-yourself-to