Full and Empty and back again | Stephanie's Aug 22


Hi hi y’all! I hope you can forgive my slight tardiness on this entry, how are we in September?? I feel like this month was both short and long -- so let’s get right to it. -- Stephanie


 

Lifestyle:

This month was heavily filled with events almost every week back to back and to be honest I am at a mix of feelings. I’m going to start with the high’s because we aren’t at the low’s quite yet afterall. And overall, I had a very good month and am glad to have filled it up!


At the start of August my friend hosted a kickback get together and honestly I am proud of myself for attending considering I didn’t know a majority of the people. Usually it’s not in my preference to attend things with a large group when I only know 1 or 2 people because I feel left out and it becomes hard to jump in a convo when a large part of the group already know each other… I went anyways and it was mostly good! The crowd was definitely much more different than my usual crowd of friends, and while it was hard to fit in at first, I am glad I went and really learned to insert myself in conversations and take initiative (I used to be and sometimes still am, that person that doesn’t really go up to others to start a convo, mostly bc I grew up quite shy lol). Anyway, after the event I feel like it brought me and my friend who invited me, closer -- bc I ended up seeing her 3 more times in Aug which is a lot considering I only hung out with her once a month prior. I then invited her to a hangout with my friends since she introduced me to hers and it went well! I used to be afraid of introducing others because it didn’t work quite well in the past. .. but my friends seemed to get along really well and I ended up inviting another distant friend later on the night and he also seemed to get along really well with everyone. That’s bringing not one, but two friends together to meet others -- and I am so glad I did!


This month I also got the chance to finally redye and cut my hair and boy did I need both lol my hair was so grown out and my blonde had faded so much. I went to the same salon as last time except my hair didn’t turn out exactly as I expected. I was and am still a bit sad, but I am just so thankful that the health turned out bearable and it is somewhat gray. I have ptsd from going to a salon in high school so for me to go back to the salon and to the same hair dresser twice is saying something!



A lot has gone on this month and I could write a chapter book at this point if I keep summarizing everything. Two more things I will share and we will move forward! One is that this month I went on an in person dinner date which I haven't went on a date from hinge since 2021..It was good and I am glad I decided to be open! Second thing is that I had a team offsite this month that I just came back from (and also still recovering from) for the first time in person at my new role. I’ve never had an offsite last longer than a day so this was a first experience, that and I’ve never never experienced an offsite where you bond with your coworkers so much outside of work. I was literally running out of things to talk about or ask, bc we saw each other SO much and I’d like to believe that I usually have a ton of questions to ask people lol. Overall it was good! I again, had a lot of learning lessons -- especially from learning how to put myself out there more and be vulnerable.





 

Lows:

  1. Friends feeling low

  2. This month, a couple of my friends were not feeling the best and that really hit hard for me too. The first was my friend who I invited for a get together, I invited her to have a good time and meet new people because we all can relate to having difficulty meeting new people post grad. However when we got to the event, it didn’t seem like she was having a good time and she looked left out.. So every time I met someone new I would bring her into the circle, however a part of my wishes I didn’t put her in this situation if she wasn’t going to have a good time. This scenario actually made me hesitant about setting other group hangouts for my other friends, but as you've read in my lifestyle section, I ended up setting up more hangouts anyways and luckily those went well.

  3. Additionally, two different friends I didn’t think I was that close to, ended up opening up to me and reaching out to share with me on what’s troubling them. This was a shocker to me for both friends because I didn’t know they’d open up to me suddenly.. However I do feel honored that they trust me as someone to open up to and that they feel like their day is much better after sharing out what’s on their mind.

  4. Feeling Empty despite having full agendas

  5. Mid month I started to feel a bit empty as I was reflecting on life, even though I had such an eventful start of the month and knew I’d have an eventful later half of the month too. I don’t know my thoughts just started to get real deep. I think part of it was also because of my hinge date, and it was not actually really about my date himself at all. So prior to meeting, I never really had good conversations with this person but after texting paragraphs to the one before him (only to not meet), I decided to just f it and meet this one even though it’s usually not in my character to meet after barely talking + not enjoying the texts. Trying to be open minded here. Then I went on the date and it was kind of awkward in terms of eye contact, but the guy didn’t necessarily do anything wrong. I felt like I had to lead a lot in the convo and I’ve had to do so many small talk chats at work that I feel really helped me lead any convo with people. But after the date I just feel kind of empty idk it's weird its like I’m with someone yet I feel more lonely than prior the date. I think it’s because I was going in not feeling like we had good texts, but hoping that this date would change my mind and when it didn’t change my mind I just felt emptier and I started to question a lot of other things in my life. Completely unrelated but I felt that way during my team offsite as well.. Like nothing in particular was wrong, but in a way I felt like I was surrounded with a ton of people and yet I still feel lonely. Maybe because in both cases I felt more different than similar.


 

Lessons:

Checking in on others

At the first half of this month I was actually able to catch up with a really old friend of mine and it was really good! I feel so bad because I think for the longest time we could’ve caught up but we never did and I should’ve tried reaching out. I am thankful that she decided to be the bigger person and reach out to me first despite all this time that has passed.


When the two more distant friends reached out to me about difficult life situations, that also opened my eyes to check in on my friends more. Especially the ones I’m not as close to. I really never knew what was going on had they not shared, and would’ve gone on not knowing, and that really sucks now knowing how much better they felt having someone listen. I think oftentimes we just want to be heard and I am glad I can do that for others.


 

My pick of the month: Topgolf aka sucking at something new



I never really take pictures of myself, however my coworker decided to take a pic of me during our team offsite to topgolf so here is me sucking with terrible stance because I never really played golf before lol except that one mini golf experience a long time ago.. It sucked sucking, especially in front of people I don’t know very well / work with / could judge. But this is my pick because I am glad I went through with every turn instead of sitting out after my first few tries and sucking lol the older I get, the easier it is to lean into my strengths, but something more fulfilling in the long run is being open to sucking at brand new things and being open to embracing and admitting I suck, and to learn to get better. I definitely will be at topgolf again!


This month has been go-go-go and it is crazy to share that I will be seeing Jin very very soon! July wya??? Going to bed now and wishing everyone a wonderful start to Fall and happy September!


Till Oct 22,

-- Stephanie