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I can and cannot believe that it’s already November!
What a month October was, as you can tell from my blog title -- this was such an eye opening and empowering month for me. I can’t wait to document, reflect, and share with you all how things went.
-- Stephanie
Lifestyle:
The Career Search:
While I continued my job search, my lifestyle has been a much better balance of job search work + me time. And I’ve been so fortunate that even though I was spending less hours obsessing on the search, I was still able to yield results and interview at least once a week if not more on some weeks.
I used to be upset at how a company would make me do an assignment and then go through multiple rounds of interviews, totalling weeks-month long process, but honestly my mindset has shifted and I am appreciative. These assignments taught me much more about the actual job than a class in school did, speaking to multiple people only led to future networking opportunities and gaining different perspectives. No longer feels like a waste of time, but an opportunity to learn and get a step closer to where my next place will be. Reframing my mindset has made all the better in my mental health and the way I see situations.
Me Time:
As mentioned earlier, this month I spent a significant amount of time on myself. From cooking more often, working out in different ways, rewatching old shows, to reconnecting with friends and re-imagining how the Future of Knowledge Post College is going to be (stay tuned!).
Something my sister and I have done is buying tennis and badminton equipment and hitting up our local parks. So thankful to live near parks a walk away! I was never a super athletic kid growing up and my parents didn’t teach me a lot of sports. So I was basically just a runner + yoga and cycling enthusiast as I grew older. I didn’t like playing sports in PE because other kids seemed to be really good at it and have had a lot of experience prior, and I felt bad for being a bad teammate. I don’t know why but I really hated being a burden/dead weight.
Now that I’m older and it’s just sparring with my sister, I can enjoy sports in a new non-competitive light! I’m still not the best at sports, but it sure is refreshing to stay active in another way + see super young kids to the elderly, being so amazing at tennis! I sure was embarrassed in the beginning (I also didn’t know that you have to reserve courts online!), but honestly at the end of the day it doesn’t matter who saw me play badly because its not like I’ll see/remember them again.
Speaking of rewatching another old anime, this month I rewatched parts of Inu Yasha! (also there’s apparently a sequel that’s airing rn???) Alright a lot of people will fight me on this, but my favorite character will always be Kikyo.
(I don’t know why I’m not a fan of the main gal like most people are).
Kikyo is such a badass independent and strong gal, and I always feel so sad watching episodes of her because she always has a sad ending. This gal has such a sad life and is misunderstood, but is able to move forward and overcome grudges + do good for the world despite it doing her so badly? My inspiration!!! (I still feel sad for her as I type this, I didn't know a fiction story could do this to me?)
A lot of unfortunate events happened in October, but honestly rewatching Inu Yasha, somewhat eased my mind (literally by being distracted while watching), but also mentally (my mindset and being inspired to be badass like Kikyo and not let tragic events get to me).
To doubt is to be human. This is a simple line, but I felt really good inside hearing it from Kikyo. With so many things uncertain in my life, doubting so many things was honestly eating me away inside and made me feel like a bad person.
When I heard this line from Kikyo, it made me feel better inside because it made me realize that it’s normal to feel these feelings as humans. That it’s okay to be worried and upset and uncertain. In the story, she felt the need to always be divine when she was alive. And it wasn’t until after her death that she shares that to doubt is to be human. (To be further explained later in this entry), I went through a couple incidents this month where I felt very upset and devalued, but felt the need to be happy to even have a chance to speak with these people. I felt guilty for complaining and being upset.
However it was through this line that I’ve accepted my doubts, that it's okay to have doubts in life (and I have many lol), and that I don’t have to be accepting of every thing in my life, especially if its towards people who clearly disregard me.
The good and the bad I did this month:
The good:
Stand up for myself
Clarify my value within myself and not letting people change my perception of it
Bought rackets and played both tennis and badminton 1-2 times a week
Persevere through the search, moving a step closer to where I want to be
Reply more often
Getting take out with my sister on Friday’s heh
More me time but still being productive
Project planning, ideation, and taking actions towards the future of this site
The bad:
Gets upset easily lol
Complains still
Could improve on the replying
Try to work out once a day instead of every other
Sleeps hella late
Eats kinda late too
Clouded in thoughts
Lows:
Faced a good amount of unfortunate events but I want to highlight in particular this one experience with a reputable company. I had high hopes and wanted to be happy, as I read such great things about this place.
From many interruptions to having an interviewer scroll on their phone and make me pinpoint my past work on the spot -- I was in a place where I felt the need to just be grateful to be in this space and accept anything. And yes I do feel very fortunate to be interviewing at a reputable company, but I also learned to stand up for myself. Standing up to myself, not letting others have the power to make me feel belittled, and standing up to my family and community that I don’t need to kiss up to a place that makes me feel belittled and devalued. And to have hope and faith, that I was going to be okay, and that I didn’t need to be desperate for this one place.
I’m really proud of standing up for myself. Rejection gets to you, it makes me feel like I’m not very worthy and should take every little thing, especially if its at a decent company. This month and this experience specifically, made me realize my own value. That I am valuable enough already if I can make it past multiple rounds, and that I don’t need validation from people who make me feel disrespected. It was an empowering moment indeed, and to be able to share with my family and community orgs that I’m not afraid of this rejection and that they shouldn’t either. To be confident that somewhere else better will eventually come along.
And so the rejection eventually came, and for once, I actually wasn’t too sad. If anything, I felt free. The rejection was very freeing, I was free to not feel forced to choose a place with people I didn’t enjoy. I’m glad I was able to feel free this time instead of a painful rejection.
I confidently spoke up to my parents about how I’m glad this place rejected me and that I will be valued elsewhere (even though I really had no other offers lined up lol). Low and behold, the next week I had 5 interviews lmao (very unplanned). Life works wonders at the right timing sometimes. At least I feel very fortunate and blessed, because I was able to see and prove my value to a somewhat skeptical family and myself. It’s been interesting indeed the past week(s) and I hope that one of these places work out.
Regardless, this month I’ve established a sense of value, freedom of mind, acceptance and respect -- strong enough that no rejection can turn off my light. This company that made me feel so low and disrespected was actually a silver lining, it made me revisit myself and realize my value and a huge sense of empowerment to vouch for myself.
Lessons:
I feel like I lowkey shared my lessons along with my lifestyle and lows lol! I do enjoy writing lows with a positive at the end now. It’s amazing how my blog writing style has changed over the months!
If there are some lessons I have yet to mention, then it will be:
1. Hard work is important, but right timing and luck plays a huge role
This month I went through rejections where in cases 1) there was actually someone with more experience than me or 2) I found out someone internal got the role/someone who knew the manager personally. There were cases were I felt like I was the perfect fit, and while yes, I could continue to improve myself when it comes to competing with someone with more experience, for the places where I lost to someone internal, that isn’t something I could control.
This incident taught me that no matter how hard I work, sometimes luck plays a huge role.
Another incident was where I was able to receive interview invites for 2 roles where I didn’t execute any networking or cold-emailing strategy. Out of pure luck.
While I will always think it is important to work hard and put your best effort, it’s also important to acknowledge how luck plays a huge role. Luck isn’t something we can predict or measure, so it's not worth your brain getting too hung up on.
2. Not everywhere you qualify for/fit in is where you belong
This image is a perfect depiction of what I feel and mean with this lesson. Over this month, I realized my resume qualifies a lot for a certain type of role, and that’s a role that I don’t enjoy doing at all, however recruiting and hiring managers are always interested in my background for this type of role.
In the end, I never enjoy doing the scenarios and activities for this role, which leads to not getting the offer. I learned that just because my background is a fit/qualified, it doesn’t mean this role is where I belong.
I know this comes from my fortunate life, but I think its so important to be at a place where your experiences are not only a fit for the company and team, but you, yourself, feel like this role and place is where you belong.
3. Practice Praying, for others
A little over a month ago I started practice praying every day. As a kid I prayed a lot, my family is buddhist and has an incense table at home, but as I grew older I stopped and typically lean towards things I can prove with science vs spiritual situations.
I’ve been revisiting praying every night but not for materialistic wishes, but for the health and safety of loved ones. My dad once told me that praying is good, but there is a difference between asking for things vs praying, and that he prefers to pray for others.
Every night I pretty much pray for the same thing of happiness, safety, and health for family and loved ones. Making these selfless prayers made me feel better inside, and that every night my wish is granted as no one I’m personally close to, fell ill during these times, makes me continue to reflect how blessed I am.
While I’m still a believer in science and am not too sure about spiritual things, it eases my heart to believe that there may be someone watching over us and we all have a path. Praying for others saved my mind and soul from selfish and ungrateful thoughts, and to recognize what I do have in front of me. And to me, having safety and health is the most important thing.
Pick of the month: Sunrises
October was a month of empowerment for me. In all honesty I think a fire phoenix rising or kikyo being a badass independent woman slaying demons would be a better representation of empowerment for me, but also way too cliche and slightly gruesome of the eyes … so we will go with something more aesthetically pleasing to the eye, a sunrise! (I'm a sunrise > sunset type of gal, any others out there??) Sunrises also give me a lot of feelings of empowerment; so we will stick with that :)
Until next time,
-- Stephanie
Songs I've been listening to this month:
I know I've been listening to music on the daily but for some reason I don't really have much new to share, it seems like I've just been hitting repeat on old songs.
One new artist I did discover is this gal's soundcloud and I love her voice:
I like all her covers but especially recc the one named Virgo and Justin Timberlake remix.
Another artist I've been enjoying is Jadu Jadu and recommend the songs:
feather
virgo
shiki no uta
Hope you enjoy!