Happy start of April! I love spring and I look forward to all that April has to offer. Before we move forward to April, let’s take a step back and reflect on March. I’m so glad I’m writing this post with a now level-headed mindset, because March was truly a hard pill to swallow for me.
My first few weeks of March went well, the good parts of Febuary had spilled over to the beginning of my March. I can’t remember too much about what went on the first two weeks of March, but I do know I was satisfied. Work projects were moving forward faster than expected, I was taking less to no naps and was fine with that, and I had started long-distance walking with Ashley on Saturdays. I was quite content at the beginning of March.
Middle of March things had just escalated so badly its crazy to reflect back at how sudden it was. As prepared for worst-case scenarios as I am, I don’t think anything I could’ve done would have helped me predict what was to come mid-March. I was still walking long distances to new places in the city on weekends, that really was the only highlights of my weeks. I was still not taking naps, but not by choice anymore. And I was waking up earlier than ever, not by choice. My day to day life style was probably at its worse during mid March.
And so end of March is where we are at. I am glad to say that things are better now than it was mid-March. Though the remnants of that week is still here. I’m in more meetings than I already had and I still eat hella late. Something I’m not proud of. I can only say I’m at a better place than I was in the middle of March. And I love how its so sunny outside these days, one of the things that keeps me going.
The things I did good this month:
Spoke up for myself and was realistic about my capacity
Shared my feelings more
Being forgiving of mistakes by myself and from others
Reconnected with old friends and chatted for hours
Continued volunteering for nonprofit
Defined boundaries at work
Kept going on, even when things seemed terrible
The things I could improve on:
Set clear lunch breaks
Eat earlier in general
Prioritize mental health more
Try to not get frustrated over little things
Finish the books I started
Write these journal postings earlier and in multiple settings instead of one whole setting
I don’t think anything could have prepared me for what was to come this month, both professionally and personally.
1. Asian hate crimes
Externally, the whole world was increasing in Asian hate crimes this month. There was always a new piece of content to post on my IG story -- and I never post on my IG story. It was really disheartening and had me reflect a ton about my community, values, and who I am as an Asian American.
2. Feeling ignored and disregarded
This month my manager had left for a week, I felt pretty prepared to handle the week on my own. And to be fair,I personally think I did well on my own with the things he left behind. Things went downhill when a ton of other people started making requests from me. And when I finally stood up for myself, I was just ghosted and ignored. Feeling ignored, ghosted, and silenced -- honestly to me felt worse than a ‘no’ and put me very low.
Not having a say in my work life balance with unreasonable deadlines
When I had first started my role, I had voluntarily had bad work life balance. Since then, I’ve been working to make it clear and transparent about my capacity. A few weeks ago I had voiced out my concerns, and my laptop even broke down, yet certain people continued throwing things at me without my consent first. This had me tie it back and think, do people do this to me because of my asian female identity? Am not sure honestly
Because there was no room to be heard after saying no, I had been waking up earlier than ever and ending later than ever, not by choice.
3. Losing a friend
A good friend of mine had passed away this month. This is the first time someone I knew that’s my age and once close in my life, had lost their life. To be honest I’m not quite too sure how to feel, other than surprised and upset. This had hit me feeling surreal that my friend who's my age and once close to me -- will just never come back. I wish his family and him all the best.
Honestly I don’t have too much lessons from my lows this month. A lot of my lows were quite shitty and while it’d be great to have solutions or lessons to each of them, that would also make me feel like I’m excusing shit situations.
We all have a role to play, regardless how big or small it is.
Even if you feel like you are extremely insignificant, that is not true! I had shared more than I ever did on Instagram this month, and received responses and reactions from people I never spoke to in ages. They checked up on me and even shared the posts themselves too, big or small -- collectively we can make a difference.
2. Age is just a number, you never know when your last day with someone is. Don’t take each encounter for granted.
Having an old friend my age just pass away like that, really hit me in a way that any one I know could disappear the next day. Regardless of age or not. I love my parents and grandparents, who I want to watch out for and protect, but that doesn't mean that the younger people around us doesn’t need checking in on and protecting as well.
3. Some quotes I came across that I really enjoyed reading. Not sure where to include them, nor do I have a huge backstory on these. But really just wanted to share:
My pick of the month: Long-distance walks on the weekends
Something I started to implement in my life this month is walking by foot to places my friend and I would typically not travel by foot (places that require 40minutes - 1 hour+) to walk to by foot one way. Even though these are places I’ve been to before in SF, taking the long walking route exposed me to places along the way I never noticed, and a new way to indulge in my surroundings and the city. Its been a great new hobby to say the least, especially paired with the spring sun. This has really helped with me enjoying my weekends even more, and I hope to continue this throughout the next month.
All in all, March was a tough one to get through. Even though its April now, I’m still trying my best to recover that remnants of damage from March, both work-wise and personal life wise. I did meet some pretty cool people and reconnected with old friends who made me feel valuable, and I don’t want to forget to put that out there because I truly am thankful for the good people in my life too -- even though its much easier to focus and mention the bad. I say this in every post, but had it it not been for the good people in my life, I don’t think I could have survived for so long.
Despite everything that went on, I love the season and meaning of Spring. To me, spring symbolizes sun and light, after a cold and rough winter. I have hope that this will apply in our every day lives too, that spring will give us the hope and light after a dark time. Cheers to April!
Until next May,
Songs I’ve been listening to this month:
My city -- Masego
Lotus eater -- Mura Masa
Boo’d up -- JDJ
Mystic Anomaly -- JDJ
Emotions: NightCap -- DNSTN